Watching You Die

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Watching You Die

None of this comes as a surprise to me - that Death is upon your door. I knew it would come for you soon…to soon for me…even if you lived to be 100. I decided four years ago that I had work to do – inner work. I needed to be sure that you knew that I loved you deeply, that I was grateful for all you gave to me in your life…that you were one of my heroes as a child and that growing up has not changed that. But I needed you to know that with actions, not just words and holiday cards full of obligatory sentiments.

I knew you’d be the next to go on. That is why I have been there with you almost daily since 2004. It wasn’t to bring in the mail; it wasn’t because I was too lazy to brew my own coffee or because you needed help every single day with some technical advancement that I had thrust upon you to make life easier or cheaper. It was simply to be with you…to be in your presence during your last days here. To share my daily life with you and know your own beyond the simple holidays & family gatherings. To let you know that I was ok and that I would take care of things after you left. You don’t have to worry about any of them. You’ve done a good job – it’s our turn to take over, take care of ourselves and those around us.


Your legacy is not a huge portfolio, your legacy is the relationships you spent a lifetime cultivating. At times that came at the expense of your immediate family in order to care for both friends and strangers. Some don’t understand that…may even resent it, but I get why you did it. It was what mattered most to you – people. Yes, did your Ego get a boost by being the man who could make things happen…sure. But I doubt that was the reason you helped so many escape when the brutalities of war poured down on your home in ’44. It has always been about people for you. And that is why as I watch you die I am at peace on some level…you lived a good life, a strong life and all your visitors each day are testimony to how much you mattered to us all. And many of your friends already await you.


My generation is failing to connect at this level. We have slipped backwards even with all our technological advancements meant to bring us closer, faster and further than your generation ever dared to dream. We’ve lost a bit of ourselves behind monitors, media, Bluetooth and Blackberries. We’ve immersed ourselves in making money and spending it on things that are not necessary to our lives or growth. In that process we have desecrated our planet and grown tolerant of a broken and corrupt government. We look down to the ground as we walk about in our daily lives and we do so out of fear and insecurity not daring to say hello as we pass one another, let alone offer help when it is clear someone needs it. It has become common, this fear and failure. It is the real war we should be fighting.


Watching you die, I can only think that this is a good time to pass over. You have struggled through a war, came to this country with nothing at a time when it stood for something real, beckoned with hope at a better life. You took only what was in your pockets and made a life for an entire family, moving on to help friends and then their friends who were just strangers really. I don’t know that it would be like that today. That connection to people is endangered…even after major catastrophes…my generation looks out with horrified faces, comes together for 30-second blurbs, then curls up in a fearful fetal position at the moment when they should be united in strength and bound by our humanity.. It is a different time. Although it still feels like a battlefield, just of consciousness.


I am watching you die each day now. In four short weeks our easy daily routine has been shattered. No more special breakfasts when I stumbled in at 11am. No more days outside playing ball with Cody. No more King’s Corner at night with Grandma…the playful teasing as she scratches another win in her scorebook, reminding you that she is much more strategic and sneaky than you give her credit for. No more afternoons of watching Real Madrid with you. Everything has changed with one visit to the ER – with one attending doctor noticing a tumor that your regular doctor should have caught months and months ago. Your body is riddled with massive tumors that are leading you away from us day by day.


I am watching you die surrounded by a cane, a walker and now a wheelchair. I doubt that any of these tools will be used much at all. A table filled with so many pills that we need a massive spreadsheet to manage. And through this all you have shown nothing but courage. I joke easily with you about helping me with the stock market when you pass over; teasing you that your vote for Bush (twice) has screwed it all up and you owe me one. But the truth is I owe you.


As I watch you die I wonder how I will handle it in the days that follow. I have known for years that it would crush me and I thought by now I would be emotionally prepared, but the truth is it absolutely will render me silent and shaken. It is hard to sit there quietly at the kitchen table watching you in pain, surrounded by visitors and keeping a smile on your face. Knowing that soon the sofa that you lean into will be empty…the house silent except for Grandma cooking only for herself. The phone will no longer ring off the hook and your friends will no longer be over every Friday with take-out to play Mahjong for 10 hours straight.


As I watch you die, I need you to know that I loved you deeply, authentically. That I remember all the days you have given in laughter, joy, patience and pure love. Your life does not go unnoticed. It has been witnessed by your wide circle of family, friends and acquaintances…and it has been a great life. Lessons have been learned, shared and taught. Your flaws have been accepted as part of you…and matter far less than what you have given. My only wish right now is that you recognize this love that surrounds you and go in peace. There is no need to linger here in pain. You have helped us find strength and taught us love, we will be ok…we will take care of one another. You are free to go into God’s hands…we will see you soon enough.


As I watch you die, the tears fall and my body shakes with impending loss - I know that we loved completely and you will live within me always. I love you grandpa…thank you for sharing life with me.