Crushing

I had a friend ask me today if I am dating again...lol...yeah right, have you been paying attention to me and my life this year??? She got it into her head that if I wasn't already dating, then I was about to. No...there's still work to be done although I now see it as a more viable possibility by next summer. But there is this girl I am crushing on...

So...I've been trying to tuck this one away for a while now actually. It's not working out too well...every time I see her I get drawn into wanting to know more about her. I just want to have a conversation with her for more than 30 seconds.

It's an impossible attraction that can never go anywhere. Trust me, I have tried to figure out how to get past all the complications, hers and mine, to even see if the attraction is mutual for a first date...hell, coffee. Life shouldn't be this tangled over something as innocent as getting to know a girl...and yet it is.

I wish she knew that from the first time I saw her I wanted to take her out on a date. There was just something there in that split-second after saying hello that made me want to know more when I knew nothing. But it was already complicated because she was seeing someone and of course, this year I'm not exactly uncomplicated either...jobless, turning forty, and in the midst of redefining everything about me. As great a catch as I think I will be one day soon, I am not sure I would date me now.

Since that first day I have thought of her often, gotten to know enough about her to know I want to know more than the everyday superficial stuff. She is intelligent, but sort of shy. She has a strength about her that is just below the surface. Her heart is big, but I think unexplored. There's a gentleness to her that is charming. She's focused...but not necessarily directed. I see the tiny flaws, but they fit with my strengths. Her smile is gorgeous and genuine. Her eyes sparkle, but there is also a certain sadness in them too. And yes, she's still involved with someone else...although it looks like its in a place of transition maybe.

It doesn't matter though because its impossible to be anything more than a friend to her right now...and probably a long time after that. By then someone is certain to find her there...waiting. The thing is she doesn't see how attractive she is...and whatever happened in her past to put that sadness in her eyes seems to have bamboozled her into believing that love may be too difficult or not for her...or at least that's my guess. Meanwhile here I am wishing I could reach across the table to hold her hand, tell her that I am utterly intrigued, convey the beauty I see in her...express my desire to just get a chance to know her better.

If I could just start there and see where it leads without all the realities of complications and consequences mucking it up. I'm afraid the tiniest hint of how I feel will set into motion a hurricane of destruction of what already is. But I find myself thinking of her more and more.

Do I just chalk this up as impossible and run in the opposite direction when she is around? Or just accept whatever friendship that may develop (or not) by putting a lid on my current feelings?

And no, I'm not over S or the last 16 years...see? complicated.