Sitting Up High on My Perch

I'm trying to digest something that was said to me last night by a friend...actually, a lot of somethings. I am acutely aware that her observations are based on her limited knowledge of me and her unique perspective into my life...and I say that because I am not upset with her critique or analysis...but I also don't agree with all of it.


I don't mind someone telling me if I am an asshole or suck as long as they can back it up with truthful observations or facts...even if those are solely based on their limited observation point...which is the case here. But then as they say perception is reality...at least in the office...and I assume that applies to the rest of life as well.


So her observation was that I seem to sit on a high perch judging or criticizing others (primarily my family recently)...complaining that if they just did it MY way that everything would be perfect. Ok...I see where she got that from...in this case maybe I am highly judgemental. I'm not sure about looking down from some high perch. I think I find that image most offensive of all. Admittedly, I am angry with how my family failed to handle things better concerning my grandfather. That anger has fueled some pretty opinionated comments by me because frankly I am disappointed in them on many levels.


See, family is extraordinarily important to me. I don't think I even realized just how critical it is to me until this last year...it definitely began to grow when my maternal grandfather passed a few years back due to how much I loved him and yet failed to express that to him. I let my job rule my world...always promising to come see him some weekend...but never making it a priority. I thought I had another 10 years with him and looking back that was just stupid.


But even as important as all of these feelings are to me personally, here I am standing back judging and criticizing the choices they have made. I've let my disappointment in them become some personal drama that knots me up when I get home each day and worse yet my own actions in judging them are not something that I condone, in others or myself. I've let my frustration drive my actions rather than be in control of them.


So as much as it was a slap in my face to hear this from her...there is truth to it. And this is not the way I want to live, or the perception I want of myself out in the world. This is why I need to spend a little more time alone and isolated from the world because I need to work out my own self-definitions and really get in sync with how I feel and what I believe matching up with my actions. I think that is why right now when I look at the few job prospects out there I just cringe...as badly as I need a job...I don't want to get sucked into a sinking ship again...I don't want to spend another 8 years being someones cog. I want to do significant work...something that matters...something that makes a difference...in my life and others. I am tired of the insignificant monkey jobs...but that is a whole other blog now isn't it?