Wow, What a F'ing Difference!

What an incredible difference a taller canopy makes to the overall appearance of my reef tank...and I haven't even turned on those metal halides yet.

Matt...well, you know how I feel. What you may not know is that in 1976 I made a little deal with God. This may sound silly, but its a true childhood story that somehow still persists to this day whenever I think about what I should be doing in this lifetime.

In 1976...we had moved the year earlier (again) to Mission Viejo...only this time it was more traumatic because I had formed one really close friendship back in TX and now that was shattered...then Petey died.

I had friends, but not close ones and I think I was conscious that starting that mess would only end in heartache in 1-2 more years with the next military transfer. So I prayed for something better, a brother.

I went to St. Catherine/St. Nicholas in Laguna...it was a nice little Catholic school that overlooked the ocean...sometimes during recess I would sneak off the playground to watch for whales. By this time I was well aware that I was gay...and that although being a tomboy didn't necessarily define one as gay, that in my case I held the double-whammy trophy. But that was ok too...only it further isolated me in that little school where girls wore plaid skirts and boys wore pants...making it nearly impossible to play games/sports during lunchtime as I would have liked. I was relegated to play nicely...and ended up doing a lot of thinking instead of socializing.

Yes, I know this is a long story, but it has a point and an ending. So one day we are sent home with a UNICEF cardboard box and told to collect money for the poor little black children that were illustrated on the box. During this particular month I had just joined flag-football...but no one in the neighborhood played...so I was resigned to the backyard where I would throw the football straight up and catch it...forced to scrimmage with myself...alone. Much of my childhood was like that...alone. Not to say that I had a bad childhood...I absolutely did not, but I was lonely.

After collecting probably about $2 from mom or dad...my pathetic little UNICEF box sat on my desk filled mostly with air. Even then I was not the salesman...the whole door-to-door upsale...even for those little UNICEF kids...was not my gig. Instead I made a deal with God the night before I had to return my pathetic little box...the deal was that if He gave me a brother to play football with that I in return would do something better that collect pennies for those kids...I would grow up to build them better homes, towns, cities...places where they could learn to excel rather than be receivers of charity. I had a whole vision back then on how people should and could easily come together with their talents and make a positive impact not by giving money, but themselves. These were my playground thoughts at age 8. I sealed the deal by dumping my entire savings into that UNICEF box...which makes no sense now considering the "promise" but somehow it did then.

A few months later Mom announced she was pregnant and never stopped giving me brothers for the next 8 years. Which is why I believe in being very specific about what you wish or pray for. No, I never figured in that there would be an eight year age difference thus fouling up my plans to have someone to throw that football around with. That aside, I never forgot my promise...which is probably why this whole career thing I struggle with is such a big deal.

I have four wonderful brothers...but one of them stands apart from the others. The one that I should have the least in common with because he's the youngest. Matt was more like a son than a brother growing up...our family dynamics combined with his disability gave cause for me to protect him more than the others. Later, he gave me other reasons for acting more like his parent than sibling. It was my grandparents that finally stabilized him a bit...in their care he became a brother again...and then a young man. In that time, I not only got the brother I always wanted but also a friend...someone that I know would protect me, unconditionally.

What does all of this have to do with a fish canopy? Well, as I admire our work Matt...I am reminded of that promise to build...and reminded of the wish that I prayed for...the wish of having a brother to share things with. I can't imagine the other three building that with me...but with you it was natural. I clearly got what I prayed for...and a few extra too...and I love to build...but I haven't kept my promise and it gnaws it me.

Anyway, the canopy looks fucking amazing. It fits like a glove and I finally have a reason for taking my great-grandmother's stool home...my tank is taller than me and I need to climb up to climb in...lol. I can't help but think of what an amazing brother you are when I look at my tank now.

I saw it when grandpa was dying...that generous spirit of yours kicked in and you gave him his own tank and then made it bigger when he couldn't move around as well. He loved you for doing that for him...he was so proud of you. I think about him a lot when I sit in front of your tank...he was amazed by how much you knew about it. Behind your cynical facade resides a beautiful and generous soul...don't let the world's stupid people keep you from showing that off. I shouldn't be the only one that knows how great you are...and the fact is, stupid people will always outnumber you.