In the Dumps

I found myself tonight a little "down-in-the-dumps" as they like to say. I can't say what lead to it...its been creeping up on me since Tuesday I think...maybe before that. This jobless thing is weighing heavily on me...not just because there is no food in the house, or that I find myself measuring the last bag of dog food very carefully, or even that I now strategically plan a week's worth of errands around the 12 mile round trip to my grandma's house so maybe I can only buy one tank of gas a month.

No, its not all this conservation of resources...or even the fact that I look around and truly appreciate the basic items of just daily living...like toilet paper, shampoo, food and my dwindling supply of contact lenses. All that sucks...and until you are faced with it most people lack the appreciation for those things. What is eating at me is all the doom & gloom in the media. And mind you I turned the TV off, but I still occasionally click a news link when I am online...and everything that spews out is about how a few rich and powerful people have really fucked up this country and continue to...while the rest of us sit around glued to a tube hoping someone will fix it for us.

And since I am one of the now millions of unemployed...one of those people that according to an article today stand little chance of finding a job in 2009. I have to wonder, how did our generation and my parent's generation arrive at this point of pure complacency about not only our own lives, but our own self-worth and the power of our voices? How do a "few" people control 92% of the wealth with their 8%? Why is that ok?

I sat in a movie theatre today watching, Slumdog Millionaire, with a friend. She bought the tickets, the popcorn and the Icee...and the first thing she says to me is, "Did you just get up? You look really tired in the eyes." To which I replied no. As we are waiting for the 20 minutes of commercials and previews to finish, chomping on popcorn...she says, "What have you eaten today? Are you hungry?" To which I say nothing. On the way out to my car to get a cup of coffee together she says, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight. Your jeans are slouching." To which I simply reply, "I know."

See, even though I have been unemployed for 16 months...no one but me knows how hard it has been to continue to pay the bills...and it absolutely has been necessary to sacrifice certain basics. The rent may have been late, but it got paid...the car has not been repossessed, my FICO score may not be superb anymore...but every bill has been paid. Yes, I have taken on more debt than I would have ever imagined to do that...but its mine now and I accept what it means for the next 2-3 years. The hard part is going home each day to sit on the computer searching for a j-o-b that will pay more than $12/hour, reading some damn article about bailouts or CA sending out IOUs, and then wondering if there are enough grounds left for one last cup of coffee. Something warm that will fill up that space where breakfast, lunch and dinner would normally go.

I'm trying to stay positive. Enjoy the things I do have. Recognize that I'm not slaving away at my dead end job anymore, hating it more and more as each second passes. I am also not homeless...and there is still two pounds of frozen salmon in the freezer if I need it. I'm also praying that the small toothache that started a few weeks ago will either go away or at least maintain until I can manage healthcare coverage again. I've been lucky in that I haven't needed to see a doctor...as they say, at least I got my health...and I do.

I guess what it is despite all this and the positives I am trying to keep...is that beyond needing a job, any job...is the struggle not to do insignificant work anymore. The struggle to face myself in the mirror and ask, "what is it that you want to do?" How I cringe when I hear myself quietly say, "I don't know anymore." Everything seems a little out of reach. And worse yet is hearing the people in my life say, "you should be doing this (fill in the blank)"...or "you have so much talent and potential." Blah, blah blah.

Do I? I just don't know anymore...or at least tonight I don't...but then again maybe its not that I am tired, but hungry and worried about how I am going to make it thru 2009 while those other people try to heal all the corruption of the past.