It was a strange conversation. She pretends to be such a simple girl on the surface and yet I already know the deep, complex current that swirls within...why doesn't she know that by now?
She says she doesn't know who I am anymore, that she sees changes and then adds "aren't we all changing continuously?" as if that is to justify her first statement. But I am not that easily fooled. There's always more to her than simplicity. She's changed over the years, however I still know that soul probably better than my own in some ways.
But tonight, the conversation bounced all over the place. At one point I wondered if she was drunk...but that would be too easy and not her style...not after the afternoon we just shared. No this was something else. This was that deep current churning within, creating a rip...pulling us both out to sea in different directions. But why? What is she confused about now?
Was it the woman on the beach trying to flirt/engage me? How many thousands of times have I stood by in those shoes witnessing the same event with her? Doesn't she realize that in that space it will happen because there is no need to be invisible and that I don't walk under a cloak to disguise whom I love, or rather prefer? Was this the cataylst that caused the clouds to circle...to later thunder when she was alone to think? I don't know...but I heard the roll and pop of it throughout the night as she tried to say without saying. And didn't she notice that despite the effort made by the woman that I never once left her side or gave my smiles to anyone but her? I warned her that this would not be the easy theoretical scene that she's been previewing in her head of the future. This will be hard and this may break us both because what we once had most will never, ever know...and we held it for years.
I've let go. She said that's what she wanted, independence. Ok, we can play that little Zen scene if you want. You be the butterfly and I'll be the open palm. But realize that sometimes the butterfly doesn't come back, maybe it enjoys whatever thing it has found and revels in it; or maybe it just gets lost. And maybe the hand slips back into a pocket to walk away alone...unaware of what the butterfly's intentions are, even if they were to return. Yeah, that little Zen scene is not so simple...neither are we. It's very easy to get confused, to assume, to overthink the situation.
I've waited. Not for her to announce herself to her family or friends because that doesn't matter to me. I will live in the little closet if that is what she needs to feel safe and I'll be that dirty little secret when she needs me to be. It's not me anymore, but for her I would have given that...because I already know who I am in that regard and I make no apologies for it.
But not everyone has found that place and I know that fear of losing all that you have known for something you don't know yet. It's risky and sometimes it feels safer to stay in that little cocoon even though its really no safer. You give up ever knowing what it is to fly free as you were created to be. But that cocoon is what you know and sometimes that is easier to live within than the richness that you can only imagine might be there for you. That is a choice...it didn't have to be the thing that split us though.
I've mastered the game. Doesn't she realize the places she has taken us over the last few years with all the quiet internalization, the lies, and the omissions? We have both become skilled in a game that I don't believe either of us really wanted to play. A simple conversation about wants, needs and desires would have sufficed. Haven't I always found a way to give her everything she desired? But instead, we went down this path and I have become so skilled in details that literally nothing escapes me and my senses are now so finely tuned. She should know that, even if she hasn't recognized to what degree I have mastered this role. In the last year, in the letting go...I have mastered the tell...my own and hers. And in the letting go...I can now observe the tells from a distance and wonder why we still need to play the little game.
Now she wants to hint at conversations. Truthfully, I would love to have them. But I don't want to have the conversation that starts with pieces of an old puzzle being thrown on the table with me left trying to figure it out while she holds the critical pieces in her pocket. Why can't we just say how we feel? Could I get any more hurt than I have been? Can she?
She challenges me, she pushes me to evolve and yet she holds us both back in that very evolution. Tonight it is family, life at 40, kids, wishes and should I's? Yes, you should. But while you sit there splashing about against your own current trying to decide whether to swim with or against...be aware that I cannot save you. You wanted this independence and I gave it. You broke my heart and shattered a part of me. For a moment I thought I had lost everything...but I've realized I have lost nothing that was essential to my rebirth. It would be blessed if you would follow me parallel to the shore and then in, but I cannot wade here in these waters of wait, resisting until I am exhausted. I gave you those years already. There are a few more sunsets out there...they will come and go whether we are there to enjoy them or not. I choose to witness their beauty and complexity from the shore.
All these questions you have...they have answers. All the wishes could come true. But not from here. I will not drown in still or stormy waters. So make your choice...revel in what you have found or find your way back before I disappear along some horizon. We can be friends, but it won't be what you want because you simply want more than that is. You can live in the moment and still plan tomorrow. But you cannot love in fear, you must fearlessly love. You always said you wanted it all...well, that means you have to give it your all.
She says she doesn't know who I am anymore, that she sees changes and then adds "aren't we all changing continuously?" as if that is to justify her first statement. But I am not that easily fooled. There's always more to her than simplicity. She's changed over the years, however I still know that soul probably better than my own in some ways.
But tonight, the conversation bounced all over the place. At one point I wondered if she was drunk...but that would be too easy and not her style...not after the afternoon we just shared. No this was something else. This was that deep current churning within, creating a rip...pulling us both out to sea in different directions. But why? What is she confused about now?
Was it the woman on the beach trying to flirt/engage me? How many thousands of times have I stood by in those shoes witnessing the same event with her? Doesn't she realize that in that space it will happen because there is no need to be invisible and that I don't walk under a cloak to disguise whom I love, or rather prefer? Was this the cataylst that caused the clouds to circle...to later thunder when she was alone to think? I don't know...but I heard the roll and pop of it throughout the night as she tried to say without saying. And didn't she notice that despite the effort made by the woman that I never once left her side or gave my smiles to anyone but her? I warned her that this would not be the easy theoretical scene that she's been previewing in her head of the future. This will be hard and this may break us both because what we once had most will never, ever know...and we held it for years.
I've let go. She said that's what she wanted, independence. Ok, we can play that little Zen scene if you want. You be the butterfly and I'll be the open palm. But realize that sometimes the butterfly doesn't come back, maybe it enjoys whatever thing it has found and revels in it; or maybe it just gets lost. And maybe the hand slips back into a pocket to walk away alone...unaware of what the butterfly's intentions are, even if they were to return. Yeah, that little Zen scene is not so simple...neither are we. It's very easy to get confused, to assume, to overthink the situation.
I've waited. Not for her to announce herself to her family or friends because that doesn't matter to me. I will live in the little closet if that is what she needs to feel safe and I'll be that dirty little secret when she needs me to be. It's not me anymore, but for her I would have given that...because I already know who I am in that regard and I make no apologies for it.
But not everyone has found that place and I know that fear of losing all that you have known for something you don't know yet. It's risky and sometimes it feels safer to stay in that little cocoon even though its really no safer. You give up ever knowing what it is to fly free as you were created to be. But that cocoon is what you know and sometimes that is easier to live within than the richness that you can only imagine might be there for you. That is a choice...it didn't have to be the thing that split us though.
I've mastered the game. Doesn't she realize the places she has taken us over the last few years with all the quiet internalization, the lies, and the omissions? We have both become skilled in a game that I don't believe either of us really wanted to play. A simple conversation about wants, needs and desires would have sufficed. Haven't I always found a way to give her everything she desired? But instead, we went down this path and I have become so skilled in details that literally nothing escapes me and my senses are now so finely tuned. She should know that, even if she hasn't recognized to what degree I have mastered this role. In the last year, in the letting go...I have mastered the tell...my own and hers. And in the letting go...I can now observe the tells from a distance and wonder why we still need to play the little game.
Now she wants to hint at conversations. Truthfully, I would love to have them. But I don't want to have the conversation that starts with pieces of an old puzzle being thrown on the table with me left trying to figure it out while she holds the critical pieces in her pocket. Why can't we just say how we feel? Could I get any more hurt than I have been? Can she?
She challenges me, she pushes me to evolve and yet she holds us both back in that very evolution. Tonight it is family, life at 40, kids, wishes and should I's? Yes, you should. But while you sit there splashing about against your own current trying to decide whether to swim with or against...be aware that I cannot save you. You wanted this independence and I gave it. You broke my heart and shattered a part of me. For a moment I thought I had lost everything...but I've realized I have lost nothing that was essential to my rebirth. It would be blessed if you would follow me parallel to the shore and then in, but I cannot wade here in these waters of wait, resisting until I am exhausted. I gave you those years already. There are a few more sunsets out there...they will come and go whether we are there to enjoy them or not. I choose to witness their beauty and complexity from the shore.
All these questions you have...they have answers. All the wishes could come true. But not from here. I will not drown in still or stormy waters. So make your choice...revel in what you have found or find your way back before I disappear along some horizon. We can be friends, but it won't be what you want because you simply want more than that is. You can live in the moment and still plan tomorrow. But you cannot love in fear, you must fearlessly love. You always said you wanted it all...well, that means you have to give it your all.
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