My core was screaming to get out, but money being was what is I held fast...car payments, rent, saving for my dream house and playing the stocks. That summer, my mentor...former boss and then peer finally made her announcement that she was "outta here." That was the first crack. The second happened about a month later when my aunt who likes to go visit her Russian psychic came back one night to inform me that I would stay with said company for at least another year - it felt like a death sentence...I wanted to crawl out of my skin...out of my body. I can't describe how miserable I felt each day, as if I had sold my soul and was literally dying inside.
In August the new CEO announced that there would be some upcoming changes...read restructuring to reduce costs to pay for more poorly implemented ideas and costly VP salaries. I printed that memo up and crossed my fingers....please, offer me a severance pkg. and let me go. In September, layoff rumors ran amuck; my fingers were still crossed and things were looking worse each day in terms of my division and the overall health of the company.
And then it happened...a conference call to announce they were laying off my team, killing off my region, but I would survive and be transplanted (again)...plus take on the work of my team and more territory. Big Boss was getting laid off with his territory though. He held my position formerly...and so the engineering of the best plan to date was put into motion. Of course it takes cooperation from the other parties, but when Big Boss asked if I really wanted out, was I sure?...all that came out of me was PLEASE. And so nearly one year ago, Big Boss stepped down into my position and I took "his" severance package and merrily skipped out the door with a plan to change my life. That was late September 2007.
What have I done in that year?
- Moved my mom into her new condo
- Bought a new puppy ($$$$)
- Had a major falling out with my g/f of 16 years
- Was with my grandfather when they diagnosed his cancer
- Started dating a new woman I met on Match.com
- Blew threw my severance and savings
- Started up a new reef tank
- Blew threw my unemployment funds
- Vacationed in Pismo a few times
- Continued to play the stock market (what a crazy year)
- Reapplied for unemployment
- Spent nearly 6 months by my grandfather's side as he died
- Broke up with new g/f, but got back together 30 days later
- Got dumped by new g/f via email (that's an experience)
- Finally cut it clean with "old" ex-g/f; working on redefining friendship
- Was by G'pas side the last 2 days of his life
- And oh yeah, searching for a job (not a career) in a shit economy
Yeah, so I really didn't get anything done that I intended to do and things that I didn't foresee kinda took over. Now some things you just can't control...they happen to a person and you just have to decide how to react. But 90% of the time you do control the course of your life, whether proactively or reactively. And the thing I've realized is that I do much better with structure than without. Yes, I am a creative person...so a lot of structure seems like its too left-brain, too analytically inclined which should be juxtaposed to that creative side, right? Wrong!
I work best with a plan, lists, visuals, deadlines and all the little tools that keep a person focused. That structure frees up time and clears my head of all the cluttered, distracting and messy thoughts that keep my creativity squashed. And so, now that my grandfather has passed on and I have had 6 months immersion & reflection on what life is and means...its time to seize my own life...in fact its long overdue.
So, I am in the middle of drafting that plan...detail by detail. I've laid out the basic goals for the next year and worked my way backwards in 90-day increments which I will then break down into daily "to do's." Yep, seriously...I want my life back and I am ready to pay the piper for pissing away the last 10, if not 20 years.
Some of the categories include:
- Money
- Jobs & Careers
- Health
- Relationships
- World Around Me
- Myself
- My Life
There are subcategories of course. But basically, I have made a decision that I not only want to change my entire life, but I have to. I do not want to continue down the path that I am currently on...because truthfully all it has been about is waiting for my life to begin and showing up to work to collect a check in the meantime. Sounds pathetic. Now that is not to say I haven't done some good things, been through some stuff that has made me stronger...and blah blah blah. But what it does mean is that I have been bored. I haven't been living joyfully and with intent or purpose.
So, the purpose of this "blog" is really to keep me on track. If someone stumbles upon it and they gain something from it, then great. If they hate it...well, I don't give a damn because I'm done caring about what other people think. It has zero to do with my life. That may sound a little harsh, but in the end its me that has to die and damned if I am going to do it without trying to live the life I want first.
Its really about me and just keeping myself focused...having a place to drop my thoughts and feelings...and perhaps maybe it will force me to push on when I start slipping into old patterns since it is "public" - keeping me completely vulnerable to both criticism and humiliation...lol.
Anyway...this is where it begins, the second half of my life.
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