A Bone to Pick

Ok...I've been sick and not up to joining my gay brothers & sisters on the streets of LA to protest Prop 8's passage.

But I've got a bone to pick with some of my brethren out there about the image some of them are projecting. I might piss some people off, but it needs to be addressed on some level...even if just food for thought before dressing up for your next date. And no, I'm not advocating uniforms...just a little mainstream maturity.

So, imagine you are NOT gay for a minute. Yes I know...your life suddenly got so much easier huh? Well, this is pretend so don't get too attached...just imagine that Prop 8 doesn't really affect you whether it passed or not.

Imagine you aren't that religious...you're one of those people that go to church on holidays, has a general belief in God but isn't weighed down by any fundamentalist beliefs...you've sinned and know it. Imagine for a minute that you are married and have two kids, a toddler and a teenager. Imagine that you are about 35-50 years old and vote Democratic in most elections. However, you don't have any openly gay family or friends that you engage with (but you know who Ellen is). Ok, got that avatar in your head? Now, I'd say that this demographic might be a good candidate for supporting gay civil rights, wouldn't you?

Ok so let's jump to tonight's news coverage of the Silverlake Prop 8 protest. Let's survey the crowd a bit...in fact let's start with:

the rather large, seemingly hairy, painted-face man wearing some kind of funky garb/hat...who had an opportunity to say something really profound on behalf of the "cause" and instead shouted during his national TV debut, "Chickens have more rights than me!" Mind you, his hat resembled a bird's beak...so after the initial "WTF did he say?" all I could do was laugh at how ridiculous he appeared. Impassioned - yes...but utterly ridiculous. And yes, I get the whole Prop 2 reference...but he looked like a fat bird squawking on the corner...seriously I wish I could find the clip to prove my point.

But let's dissect this gay moment from the perspective of that imaginary potential supporter above. You just witnessed a very confusing image of a fat man with circus paint on his face yelling about how his chicken has more rights than him. It's laughable...and confusing on multiple levels. And despite the seriousness and obvious passion he felt in his plea to drivers passing by, all I can think is - "Really? This is the profound statement you want to make both verbally and visually to mainstream America on national TV?"

I gotta tell ya...as a gay woman who is just as passionate and just as angered by this little legislative setback as I think this guy was, I really went thru a range of emotions when I watched him represent our entire community in 15 seconds of glory - drag or otherwise confused.

First the pure confusion in from what I could tell was his penguin garb...maybe half drag/half Halloween costume...either way it was all "wrong" for the serious & mature tone that I think this movement requires. We aren't just trying to change the law, we are trying to change hearts & minds...which means somewhere in the mix we have to connect on some common ground.

It's like showing up to a business meeting with only your Speedos on...you could have the greatest money-making idea of the last half-Century, but no one is gonna get past all their internal dialogue and struggles because all they see is your package, good or bad, it becomes the focus. And the next time they think about having some rogue off the street come in to sell them something they are going to be apprehensive...or just won't go there.

Honestly, I am still reeling from that image of him standing on the corner protesting. Was he really trying to be a drag queen? And if so, why is he compelled to dress like this for a protest march? - save that for the WeHo bear clubs buddy. Was he wearing face paint because he's not out at home or work? Doesn't he understand that in many ways he hurts us more than helps by isolating support for those that really can't connect to the whole drag experience?

Let's be honest, drag is a subculture of the gay community...but mainstream America has been sold a image for decades that drag is more than a small segment of the gay population...when in fact, most gay men I know actually resemble the Mormon opposition or at least the employees at Best Buy.

Just like all men and women, there is such a range of the spectrum in how we look, but America for years has been sold snapshots and has emotional responses to those snapshots:

• the drag queen
• the leather daddy
• the bear
• the young gay go-go boys
• the femmed-up man with the high pitch voice and flamboyant gestures
• the hot gay model guy with all the muscles and the top button of his jeans undone


• the butchy motorcycle dyke that may be packing more than a .38
• the flannel-wearing lesbo with a mullet cut
• the plus-size lesbian that looks more like her father or brother
• the hot lesbian that every man fantasizes about seducing, converting or watching with another hot lesbian

Only the male model & two lesbian porn stars get four stars or more with the general public. The rest of those stereotypical snapshots isolate and polarize the populous. And yet we keep showing up like this for Gay Pride Parades or protests. Enough already. I know damn well that most of us have the clothes, know how to role play and tend to lean to a creative side so why the hell can't we show up to these things with a more mainstream hip-stylish look?

I'm not talking about wearing a tie to the clubs...I'm just saying stop flaunting all the flamboyant nonsense or nakedness around and let people see that outside of this one fact...

• that you are attracted to the same gender

...there is no difference between you and them. Even the sex is basically the same...although most of us gays agree we that owning the tools tends to give us an advantage in mastering how they are used.

Understand this, most of America, despite all their talk and media, is not comfortable with sex. Heck, Oprah just did this show last week and it sounds like a lot of Americans are really pretty bad lovers...not only do they not understand their partners wants, needs and desires...or parts. They don't even know their own parts (although this applied to mostly women). How can so many men and women still not know where the g-spot is?...and just for clarification, no it does not feel like the tip of your nose Oprah. Keep looking or you'll never experience the blended orgasm.

So if most Americans are struggling in the bedroom, then of course anything more wild than the missionary position twice a week is going to intimidate the majority of them and feel deviant. And trust me, when they hear "gay" they immediately think of nothing but "gay sex." Even our straight allied friends struggle with this on some level. We have to get past the "gay sex" issue because really it does not define us or our day-to-day lives anymore than straights are defined by their sex lives.

Unfortunately, the only real visible images we have presented them with are what is on TV (primarily produced by straight males), what they see at Pride parades (which represents about 5% of the gay community because the rest rarely attend these events) and what the see/hear on the news...which for the most part represent us as a community very poorly as just sexualized deviants.

Most gays do not walk down the street holding hands unless they are absolutely certain they are in gay "territory" and that there are enough gays out there with them to help defend them if someone should attack, verbally or physically. And I am talking about just holding hands. How many times in a week do you see men & women kissing in public? I see it every weekend and I don't even get out much. Now when is the last time you saw two gays kissing? Or if you are gay, when is the last time you did kissed publicly somewhere (outside of one of our towns)?

Visibility Matters. I love Ellen & Portia simply because whenever you see an image of them its usually of them holding hands, hugging or kissing. There is obvious love there. I don't see the butch/femme because they both present themselves very well in public. I don't think about them having sex because they look like regular women and I think, "Wow, they are really in love. How cool."

Now, not everyone is going to have that impression at first, I didn't always see it that way and I am gay. I had to get beyond the sex of being gay and into the day-to-day mechanics...which are about the same sans the hate, prejudice and need to be careful at times. But if I was dressing up (or wearing hardly anything) then I don't think people would let me get past the sexual image I was presenting...and thus I become defined by it. Gay then becomes about being a butch, strapping it on and trying to be a man. I'm sorry, but I don't see Portia that way...and even though Ellen is obviously not as feminine in her dress as Portia...I really don't think of her as mannish. I see her as strong, funny, playful and successful.

>But if Ellen was packaged differently, then I might not have that same immediate response even though she might be all those lovely things. I might get too hung up on the Speedos. This is one of our challenges...the small segments and subcultures cannot be the majority view. So either they have to stop showing up in their garb (or lack of clothing); or the other 95% of the community needs to be seen. And honestly its probably a little bit of both. But next time you watch a gay show or event...turn off the sound and really look at how we appear...do we look like the rest of America or are we so caught up in this queer rainbow culture that some wear like armor that others can't get close enough to us to find common ground? I think we have to ponder this.

>And again, visibility matters. So to all those parents and religious types that were so afraid of having their schools teach gay marriage, guess what? The gay community is going to have to get over their closeted fears and when they do they will be visible...everywhere. And its then that your children are going to be confronted with the diverse reality around them. If you haven't taught them about gay marriage or diversity or tolerance, then they are still gonna get schooled...just not in the safe bounds of a classroom where they can ask questions and get a real answer. The more you try to stuff us into a closet, the more you piss off the whole community...and once you piss off the quiet mainstream gays that you assume are straight, then your whole world is going to go humpty-dumpty on you. On that day you are going to realize just how many gays you know, love and voted against...and they probably already figured out who you are and what you stand for. All those stones in your pockets that you so freely toss our way are in my opinion weighing you down from every knowing God. Should we legislate every single sin in the Bible? And of all the sins, how many are your own?